Let gone. :D

A little of this and that -- here I am with a new blog post at the end of this month. I'm sorry about that but I guess everyone has a reason of getting caught up with work. I've my own reasons too. Wait, I always have reasons! I should get rid of them. Anyways, back to the humble mode -- I'm sorry I've been away. A lot has happened this month too. Thought I'd wanna share it here. :D

Alright so let's start with my life first. It's doing great infact. I'll tell you why -- because I've learnt to forget and let go of the past. I know it took me a LONG time to arrive at this but I had to take some time off to realize it. The last few days were kinda traumatic. Like the usual cancerian crab, I was clinging on to some people. They gave me the hint that they have moved on. Since they are happy, I wanted to be happy for them. But I couldn't be happy.. Somethings still kept pinching me. I kept thinking that how can they be happy without me in their lives. Kinda self involved, ain't I? But then I thought why shouldn't they be happy without me? I've done a lot of wrongs and apparently created a whirlpool in their lives =) so they are better off with their new lives.

And then I had a weird time with my family too. This is the part when it hit me that why do we always try to see what we lost and never focus on what we have. I've been doing this way too long. I'm stupid enough to invest shit loads of time on people who will never be with me, on something that I'll never achieve and take the things/people that I already have for granted. That is when I realized that what I was doing was wrong. Big deal if some people whom I really cared about do not want to be associated to me anymore. I needed to be with the people who really matter the most to me -- my parents. I barely spend time with them. I'll keep getting and losing friends but parents are for a lifetime. So I've decided to not have any suicidal thoughts. Not have any regrets of the past because whatever happens does happen for a reason. I don't know if it happens for the best but I know I'm content :)

Also, I guess god helped me to recall certain incidents from the past which helped me to forget the past because they were so damn cruel. Sure, there were good memories too but I wouldn't wanna trade what I have with me for those evil times.

Yes, letting go is the solution to everything. I've learnt it the hard way. Live and let everyone be happy. If they need you, help them out. If not, leave them alone.

But I will make a few promises to myself

Never to think about giving up -- because a LOT of people care about me and that does not include only my parents.

Smile everyday and live the life that I'm offered because I believe I've a reason ahead

Make new friends and never let them go.

Stop taking people for granted -- specially the ones who care for me and have invested a lot of their time and energy in me.

And to the ones who are gone -- Be happy. It was fun with you but I don't regret losing you anymore. :) So a final Goodbye to you all!

Special thanks to my friend cheeku who made me realize what it is to be strong. I owe you a lot :)

Anger Management! I really need it. :(

This is not something that just came into my mind and I started rambling about it. I really and badly need it. I'm going to ruin all my relationships with people if this doesn't get under control. It makes me do stupid things. Not just stupid, but really really stupid.

I end up blaming my friends for something that I did. Ofcourse, the apology part kicks in later which also has its own self pride thing going on. If I apologize twice and that person doesn't accept it, he/she is dead again.

I feel that lately some kind of evil has struck me. When I was thinking about this for a few minutes of peace, I realized that I wasn't like this till my high school. I used to be this damn helpful person who'd say ''yes'' to anything. And yeah, I WOULD say yes to even cleaning people's toenails and stuff. Yeah, I was that generous.

But then ever since I entered college, I started performing really badly in studies and stuff and it took away the helpful nature within me. Maybe because I used to feel that people wouldn't really ask help from a underperforming student like me. Low self esteem just kicked right in. And it's true, I'd say straight on ''NO(s)" to people who asked for help probably because I knew that I suck at studies anyway -- I can't help :(

This negativity is like a magnet that has stuck onto me. The worst thing now is that I get intimidated to work with people who are a bit alright a lot genius than I am. Wait, I'm not a genius? See! I did it again.

This exact quality in me has struck out all the sensitiveness and sweetness in me :( I am rude to people. I get jealous of people. I also act too insecured thinking that I might lose out on something or everything.

I fight a lot with everyone. I get angry for no reason. I fight with my parents. I fight with my friends. I fight with my dog. Wait, I don't have a dog. She's dead. I fight with myself. I curse myself. I fight with my life. I fight with god. Everything! Funny how I wrote a post on the blame game previously but


I need a break. I need to calm down. I need to find myself back. :( I miss her. I miss the old ana. Just wish I could be like that again. Who always wanted to help people and never say no to anything. Also, a little bit of positiveness will help me a lot.

I know I am the wrong one. I am doing all the wrong things. There's got to be a way to get past this. Writing used to help me before but I can go on and on about this -- still won't make a difference.

*butt kicks anger*

I need HELP! :(